Strong Enough

Sometimes I struggle to find my place in life; career, friends, lifestyle, and where I want to be at this point in my life.

I find good people along the way but rarely anyone to deeply connect with because our lives are so different. And there is always some element that keeps us from truly understanding and building that relationship with one another.

In a small town I find myself in awkward situations all the time, whether it may be old friends, acquaintances, parents of my students, or anyone that doesn't truly know me. I struggle to ease the awkwardness and approach them in a light manner. But I always leave feeling uneasy and wishing the encounter had never taken place.

I often dream of a bigger place. A place where people's judgements aren't felt through awkward conversation, and their judgements placed upon me are only through the lens at which they see me in at that moment. I dream of a place where people don't ask who my parents are and try to find some way to associate me with others, but look at the intentions of my heart.

I try hard at life.
I try to be a good wife.
I try to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good educator.

But sometimes life is just plain hard. And sometimes it is just plain ugly.

I often feel defeated. Maybe I don't spend enough time with Brandon, listening to him, comforting him, supporting him and encouraging him. Maybe I should call my friends more and be more involved in their lives. Maybe I shouldn't set such high expectations for my students, or maybe I have completely made a mistake in choosing this occupation. Maybe I should keep my opinions to myself when it comes to my family. Even in my small little blogging world, I feel inadequate. I have so many ideas, but life is holding me captive and I am not able to live.

Maybe I am not enough for this life. Too many expectations, too many chances for failure and rejection.

But then he tells me...
The funny thing is that this was my motto as a child. People couldn't understand, and I couldn't explain. But I always told myself that he chose this childhood for me because he knew I could handle it. He knew it would make me stronger and mold me into the woman I was meant to be. I was always told that I was wise beyond my years, and maybe I was but mostly, I just survived.

So far the hardest part of my life passed years ago. And if that happens to be the hardest part then I should consider myself one lucky girl.

So even in the midst of failure and rejection and the moments of inadequacy...

I am strong enough.


melissa beaver said…
Strong enough and beautiful to boot. You are a gift. I'm glad to call you my friend:)
Scott Bowman said…
True, in so many ways.
Anonymous said…
Oh my.. These words give a distinct description to how I am feeling at this exact moment. Inadequate, fearful, like I'm not good enough. Thank you, not only because through your words I know I'm not alone, but also because I am reminded that through Him I am also, Strong Enough. Thank you!!

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